We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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