So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
