Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
