im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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