Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
