my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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