Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
he shaved USA in his pubs
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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