Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
