Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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