im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
