Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
