I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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