This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
