My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
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