Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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