haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
