weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
