Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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