I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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