I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
