My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
