I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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