I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
