Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
