Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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