He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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