Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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