I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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