I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Dear god my vagina.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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