he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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