my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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