planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
