matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
