You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
