The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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