Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize
