Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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