i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
