The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
