Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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