I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
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I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
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I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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