Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
