I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
