Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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