Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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