I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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