you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
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SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
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2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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