he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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