Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
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Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
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I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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