if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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