I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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