i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
