I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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