I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
