call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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