Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
True strength comes from lack of pants
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Randomize
