Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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